Love Letters

It's been two months since my dad died and I think I've experienced and continue to experience the expected array of emotions. It comes in waves and the bad times are not pleasant. My brother Kip is almost done compiling Dad's journals, pictures, and letters. He asked us if we had anything to add before he finished it up. I went through my letters from Dad. They brought up a lot of emotions. First of all I miss him like crazy and I get this suffocating sensation when I feel like I'll NEVER see him again. Of course I know I will see him but I have to die first. I don't know about the rest of you but the whole experience of dying does not sound nice. So that's no good either. Reading through the letters I wonder if I had a good enough relationship with him. Should I have tried harder? Did I waste time wishing for what I lost when I could have enjoyed what was there? It messes with my head. I had to talk to my sister Kelly to be reminded that Dad had some major issues and so the relationship we had with him was the best that we could have.

What surprises me about Dad's death is that the feelings of loss I experience are similar to those I already experienced when he left my mom 15 years ago. I also think of Dad up there in the greener pastures with all the depression and mental illness lifted and I can't be around him to experience him as he really is and was meant to be. So you see, I mourn for what I lost when my parents divorced and he disappeared, when Dad died, and now for what he is that I can't have.

I'm glad this life is more like a two part movie rather than a finale. Two of my favorite movies, Gone with the Wind and Sound of Music left me sad before intermission. You had Scarlett O'Hara digging for rotten carrots in the desolate soil and jilted Maria running back to the Abbey. Luckily there was more to both the stories. That's how I hope it will be for me and my dad. Unfortunately you can't fast forward this intermission.

I found my Dad's love letters to my mom amongst my archives. He wrote them when they were engaged and he was the military. I don't know what to do with them. Do we add them to his compilation? When I read through them I don't know whether to make fun of them or bawl my head off. Since the marriage didn't work, they certainly leave a bad taste. I smile at the corniness and infatuation, for example, "As long as I'm with you, I don't care what we eat, our love is so strong we'll live off it for a few hundred years then we'll think about eating." There are parts where there is T.M.I. (i.e., a part about how sore Dad is from a makeout session). Mostly it's just sad. How could two people be so in love and have six children and then just hate each other enough to leave it all? Once again I'm glad we're only in intermission. Whether my parents reunite in the hereafter, I don't know. I'm genuinely fond of my Mexican step mom and sisters. They are the sweetest people ever. At least I can hope in the second act there will be repentance, forgiveness, and love. It's what keeps a smile on my face and hope in my heart when sort of permanent losses leave me alone in grief.