A Birthday and Some Bawling

Before today, I cried a total of two times about my mom’s Alzheimer’s disease. Once when I found out three years ago and once when we left Utah to move to California. I can usually make it through Mother’s Day and other holidays without feeling too bad. I don’t know why I cried like a big baby about it today. There is something about my birthday that makes me want to call my mom and have her tell me the story where we are both the stars. The story about my birthday. Mom used to love to tell about how my hair was black as night when I was born and suddenly grew in as white as snow without the black falling out. I guess she joked around to someone in her ward that she took me to the salon. Suddenly it was all around that Mara Dee took her baby to get a professional color job. She told that story so much that I used to roll my eyes when I was older. I can’t believe how much I long for her to tell me that story again in her own words with her own voice using her own memories. There are other things I miss too. I miss that way that my mom loves me. I know she still does but I guess I miss the conversations and other little things. I like the way she would listen if I was sad. I like the way she made vanilla ice cream with bananas and milk when I was sick. I even miss how annoying she was when she got all stressy over little things. I even miss her crabby face. (Now I am thinking about it more, maybe not her crabby face but most everything else.) I miss being annoyed with her and I miss talking with her. I’m not sure what loss teaches me always. I appreciate her more now but unfortunately it is a little too late to enjoy her the way she used to be. I am still learning what the benefit might be.

Nicky just came in a few minutes ago and announced, “Mommy I love you.” How quickly my little guys pull me out of my self-pity and put a smile on my face. Jeff has been such a sweetheart today and has made my birthday so special. I love my little family.

Such is life. I feel there is always something to cry over and something always to be happy with. Someone helped Mom call later tonight. After a short conversation where I did most the talking, she told me she loved me. It meant so much. I am filled with gratitude that she is my mother and I am so glad that I have had 31 years to experience the wonderful life she gave me. I hope that I can make her proud with the kind of life I will make.



Here is a copy of a copy or something like that of an old picture of us. I don't know why it is funny and cute that she got in one of those photo booths with a baby.