I keep getting choked up in my own house. I thought I didn't get attached to houses anymore but, like it or not, I'm attached to this one. My darned memory keeps bringing up pictures like a slide show. There's Nicky in the living room with a big smile taking her first steps or tiny Andy sleeping in the bassinet. I remember how excited we were to sign our papers on closing day and how we couldn't even wait for the power company to turn on the electricity before we moved ourselves in. We spent our first nights moving about by flashlight but we didn't notice the inconvenience because we were so excited to be living in dreamy San Diego. We never stopped going to the beach almost every week; in the summer we were there bi-weekly. I almost feel like the kids are made up of balmy breezes and salty water just as much as they are made of flesh and blood. I think of all the moments, the people, the weather, and the water and I'm not quite sure how to say goodbye. It's also hard to say goodbye to the moments I'll never have again with my babies who just aren't looking like babies anymore. Why is change so hard? Why does it feel like it all went by so fast? I want to hold on but it's like trying to stop the tide. Change is much larger and stronger than I am.
I guess being pregnant and having nowhere to live causes such pangs and fits of unwanted tears. How could anywhere ever be as lovely as here? How do we say goodbye to a an inanimate space that suddenly feels as living and breathing as the people sheltered within it. I'm a mess. I'm afraid Via Fiesta is going to be my Lincoln Circle. My mom never stopped talking about her "perfect" house where she lived when she was a young mother on the Avenues of Salt Lake City. No other home could ever measure up to what Lincoln Circle had been. I don't want that for myself but I'm afraid nothing could ever be as perfect as what we've had here. I can only brace myself and move ahead into the unknown. What other choice is there?
7 comments:
The hardest thing for me when we move is closing the door on our house for the last time. It as if I can here all my memories from the place still going on inside. It gets harder every time and it takes longer every time for the new place to fill like home. However it aventually does.
Oh, the sunny and cheerful San Diego. I shed a few tears when I had to leave. You did so much good there, Melissa. Many people were blessed to get to know you.
So cute. I guess my kids are made of memory cards and controllers or something. How sad. I hope you have a nest soon!
It will be hard not to have a beach around. But at least it will be easier to clean the bath tub right?
Look at little nicky. It's hard to remember them so small. I am just as sentimental...think it would be alot easier in life sometimes not to be.
It is difficult isn't it? Just know that you, Jeff & the kids are welcome to come and stay with us anytime you want to come back for a visit :) I hope you find a place a soon.
Oh, I don't know how i missed the picture of andy in his little yellow PJ's last time. That is weird to see him so tiny. Such cute little kids.
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