Mother's Day is one of those holidays that seems to focus on and celebrate the ideal womanly experience; that is, the holiday celebrates those who've experienced raising children. This year I had the opportunity to sit in church with two little children, receive a chocolate bar from the priests, and come home to a bouquet of flowers from a sweet husband. The ideal experience!
Though I feel the blessing of experiencing all this, I can't help but remember other times in my life when things were not the ideal. I dreamed about getting married and having children when I was a little girl and couldn't wait to grow bigger and get started. The fact is that I wanted to get married when I was 19. It seemed like the right time. I knew many who'd married at 19, friends, my mother, and sister-in-laws. I didn't get married until I was 26. Those seven years passed at a slow, anxiety-filled crawl. To make matters worse, I didn't do a whole lot of dating until I was 24, eliciting more worry. After all if I did not date, I would not marry. During the seven years of my old maid hood I spent a lot of time with nieces and nephews. My oldest brother hired me to be their "nanny" while I was in college and I loved it. The truth is I would have done it for free. The hard thing was that I spent many weekends babysitting instead of dating and I felt that further sequestered me into spinsterhood. One weekend was particularly hard. My mom and I attended the Miss Provo pageant and one of the popular girls in my single's ward won the crown. She played the piano so beautifully and was so lovely and I knew she had many boyfriends. On the other hand, my adoring crowd wore diapers and runny noses and didn't even truly belong to me. I felt like I was on the outside pressing my nose against the window, looking at a life I would never have. I thought my brother's kids wouldn't even remember me when they were older and my time with them would mean nothing.
Fast forward now over ten years and my little people are teenagers. Though I never won a beauty pageant crown, I have a deep closeness and friendship with many of my brother's kids that is worth more than that beauty pageant crown would mean. One night when I was in Utah I stayed up talking with two of my nieces until the wee hours of the morning. They were confiding in me and telling me all their secrets. My eyes filled with tears when I got into bed that night as I realized I loved those kids just as much as I loved my own kids. I had practiced my mothering with them long ago when the Lord's timing for marriage did not match my own. What a gift was my association with them! At the time, I didn't even appreciate the similarities in feeling between giving love to someone else's child and giving love to one's own.
Today I also thought of my infertility stint after marriage. I wasn't pregnant with Nicky until July 2004 and Mother's Day of that year was horrendous. I was in a BYU married ward. Every couple in that ward seemed as fruitful as Adam and Eve and I was spending a lot of money and a lot of time in a lonely fertility clinic and in hospitals getting surgeries. The contrast seemed so torturous. It's burned in my memory. I remember I couldn't make it through all of Sacrament meeting that Mother's Day and went outside and sat on the stairs and cried my eyes out. Jeff tried to comfort me the best he could but I was pretty inconsolable. Lost dreams are so painful.
I'm not sure why I was given children. I certainly didn't deserve them any more than many other lovely women I know who continue to wait. I only remember that I walked that road and though I am no longer required to walk it, my heart is still there walking with those who do. I can't breathe a sigh of relief and walk away. I know there are many crying for experiences they don’t have and I am right there with them. Though I can't do anything to fix things as they should be, I can say I understand.
Lastly, I'd like to remember my mother in this post.
With a look into your brown eyes I see
You no longer remember me
In my hand I take yours to hold
Suddenly you seem so sick and old
I can't forget your hugs and perfumed kiss
Your prayers and laugh I really miss
Eyes may not remember, but the heart must
In that truth I rely and trust
Someday together we'll have moments once more
Your memories of me will be as before
A remembering light will fill your eyes
No more perpetual, gradual goodbyes
Though I feel the blessing of experiencing all this, I can't help but remember other times in my life when things were not the ideal. I dreamed about getting married and having children when I was a little girl and couldn't wait to grow bigger and get started. The fact is that I wanted to get married when I was 19. It seemed like the right time. I knew many who'd married at 19, friends, my mother, and sister-in-laws. I didn't get married until I was 26. Those seven years passed at a slow, anxiety-filled crawl. To make matters worse, I didn't do a whole lot of dating until I was 24, eliciting more worry. After all if I did not date, I would not marry. During the seven years of my old maid hood I spent a lot of time with nieces and nephews. My oldest brother hired me to be their "nanny" while I was in college and I loved it. The truth is I would have done it for free. The hard thing was that I spent many weekends babysitting instead of dating and I felt that further sequestered me into spinsterhood. One weekend was particularly hard. My mom and I attended the Miss Provo pageant and one of the popular girls in my single's ward won the crown. She played the piano so beautifully and was so lovely and I knew she had many boyfriends. On the other hand, my adoring crowd wore diapers and runny noses and didn't even truly belong to me. I felt like I was on the outside pressing my nose against the window, looking at a life I would never have. I thought my brother's kids wouldn't even remember me when they were older and my time with them would mean nothing.
Fast forward now over ten years and my little people are teenagers. Though I never won a beauty pageant crown, I have a deep closeness and friendship with many of my brother's kids that is worth more than that beauty pageant crown would mean. One night when I was in Utah I stayed up talking with two of my nieces until the wee hours of the morning. They were confiding in me and telling me all their secrets. My eyes filled with tears when I got into bed that night as I realized I loved those kids just as much as I loved my own kids. I had practiced my mothering with them long ago when the Lord's timing for marriage did not match my own. What a gift was my association with them! At the time, I didn't even appreciate the similarities in feeling between giving love to someone else's child and giving love to one's own.
Today I also thought of my infertility stint after marriage. I wasn't pregnant with Nicky until July 2004 and Mother's Day of that year was horrendous. I was in a BYU married ward. Every couple in that ward seemed as fruitful as Adam and Eve and I was spending a lot of money and a lot of time in a lonely fertility clinic and in hospitals getting surgeries. The contrast seemed so torturous. It's burned in my memory. I remember I couldn't make it through all of Sacrament meeting that Mother's Day and went outside and sat on the stairs and cried my eyes out. Jeff tried to comfort me the best he could but I was pretty inconsolable. Lost dreams are so painful.
I'm not sure why I was given children. I certainly didn't deserve them any more than many other lovely women I know who continue to wait. I only remember that I walked that road and though I am no longer required to walk it, my heart is still there walking with those who do. I can't breathe a sigh of relief and walk away. I know there are many crying for experiences they don’t have and I am right there with them. Though I can't do anything to fix things as they should be, I can say I understand.
Lastly, I'd like to remember my mother in this post.
With a look into your brown eyes I see
You no longer remember me
In my hand I take yours to hold
Suddenly you seem so sick and old
I can't forget your hugs and perfumed kiss
Your prayers and laugh I really miss
Eyes may not remember, but the heart must
In that truth I rely and trust
Someday together we'll have moments once more
Your memories of me will be as before
A remembering light will fill your eyes
No more perpetual, gradual goodbyes
8 comments:
Happy Mother's Day, Melissa! I just adore you.
I wish I had known these things while I lived near you. Those visiting teaching times seem so superficial now. We just talked about upcoming trips and little happenings. I feel I didn't get to know you at all.
Happy Mother's Day Melissa. This is a beautifully written post. :)
Thanks for such a great post. You are such a beautiful writer.
I can certainly relate with you on a couple things. Firstly, how much I LOVE my neices and nephews. I cried my eyes out when I had to leave them to move to DC, and now ever time I leave when I visit. We definitely have some precious ones, don't we?
And of course, suffering ther infertility road. And I totally understand what you mean about how it's not easy to just walk away and forget about it. I don't think I'll ever get there.
Anyway, thanks and happy Mother's Day. You deserve it.
I am glad you had a great day! Mine was really nice too. I enjoyed the day, but like you, I missed my own mom. I can't wait to see what you are sending me, you really don't need to, but it is fun to get "fun" mail. :)
Sweet post. Happy Mother's Day!
Good things are worth waiting for, huh??
Glad you had a nice Mom's day and that your life has finally turned out to your ideal. Most people I know don't get that so you are very lucky.
Happy belated Mother's Day! We are all so blessed to have our children and your post reminded me not to complain about the small things and love every moment I have with them. What a wonderful aunt/friend you are. Caring for children like that is invaluable. I too nannied, before I had children, and I love those kids to death. Great post.
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