This entry is a little personal and a not a light read by any means. So don’t read on if you are afraid of something sad. I woke up from a nap a little while ago and I must have been dreaming about my mom. I have a darkness surrounding me and I don’t know what I am trying to do by writing it down. I guess I just didn’t want to be alone with it today. I am not one that enjoys reading anything depressing. After September 11, I started getting annoyed because they took The Puzzler out of People magazine and I just needed a little frivolity to make the devastation easier to digest. Someone else wrote in and asked if they could bring the puzzler back and they re-instated it. So I will post some frivolity to go a long with this in just a minute.
My mom is not doing well. This last visit I noticed she was quieter and I have heard reports that she isn’t really speaking anymore... just mumbling. I am actually afraid to call or see her lately because I have an uneasy feeling thinking that at some point she won’t know who the hell I am. I know that that is what Alzheimer is all about. However, I got into a safe little denial thinking she was going to be the lovable, child-like Mom she has been for the past 5 years, forever. I guess when she gets worse, it reminds me about what is really happening. I am losing my mom, little by little.
I watched The Notebook last year with Jeff and I thought it was a really cute love story. I happened to catch it again on TBS a few Saturdays ago and it was the wrong thing to watch. I can’t even think about it without crying. When I was little, I had an annoying (for her) attachment to my mom. She had to start working when I was 12. After I was sent to bed, I wouldn’t be able to settle down until I knew Mom was safely home. I would watch out my small window and keep my eye steady on the stop sign down the street. When I saw her blue Mazda’s headlights coming around that corner, I could hop into bed and get some sleep knowing she wouldn’t be far away. In a strange way, I feel like I am still watching out the window sometimes. This time, I know I am not going to see the headlights coming and in a strange way I feel a little panic inside. I am 31 years old so I feel a little ridiculous. I know this is what life is all about. Dying is a part of living. So why is it so hard and why doesn’t it feel real?
4 comments:
No matter how old I get, I don't think I will ever stop feeling the need to be my mom and dad's little girl. I can't imagine what you are going through and wish your pain would go away. At least you know you have others you can lean on that will listen and lend you support. I always loved the Notebook until the end and I realized what was going on...don't ever watch that movie again...it will only make you feel worse!
I'm so sorry that you are feeling bad...I don't know what is up with nightmares lately!? It's a damn depressing situation...somehow knowing that I have a sister like you makes the hard days more bareable. I love you!
Oh, this is hard. All I can say is I love you.
Oh, but I did have the same kind of experience with a movie once. What's Eating Gilbert Grape just seemed fun and cute until I watched it and it felt like they had tape recorded my son's life and made Leo's script. It was very discouraging to me to see Autism so blatantly displayed. So I know how you feel on that point.
I cannot imagine what that would be like. I hope to never know. I'm so sorry that your family is going through this.
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