Where is My Grade?

For the past few weeks I have been thinking of Nicky’s approaching third birthday at the end of March. I was pondering on what precious individuals Nicky and Andy are and how much our lives have changed in three years. Three years goes by so fast. I can still see the fuzzy brown hair and bright pink cheeks and feel and smell Nicky’s newborn body snuggled under my arm. There are no words to describe what her birth meant to me. Among other emotions, there was excitement and there was panic.

It is funny how I still feel both these emotions at any given time. This mothering is a crazy job. For one, they don’t pay anything and if they did, I would be getting buckets of money for overtime. With few exceptions, I am on call during the work day and all night and weekends. I didn’t even take any courses in college related to mothering but yet I was unknowingly thrown into a job where I should have received major training on disciplining, sleep training, nursing (starting and stopping), and teaching kids about their private areas on the fly and why they shouldn’t touch themselves or others.

Unlike being in school or in a cubicle at the office, there is no one to give me a grade or a review. A few years ago, I was recognized in front of my whole company at Friday lunch and given the honor of “Employee of the Month.” I had spent a few weeks coming in early and learning curriculums because I was a new trainer. Someone up high in management must have seen my car out front at 6 in the morning for a couple of days.

How funny it is that I have pulled more early mornings and late nights worrying, studying, comforting, crying, etc. than I ever did in any class or in any job. So I wonder sometimes, where is my “Mother of the Month” plaque when I was up for two nights last month with sick kids? Would I have even earned one?

This job is weird because unless polygamy comes back to the church, I don’t even have one other mother that I am around all day to compare myself with. What grade would I get in the course, Motherhood – Years 0-3? Would I be graded on how much I love my kids because I can’t even fathom loving two little people more? Or, would I get a C- for letting Nicky have her pacifier too long, not reading enough books, too little outings to the park, Andy not napping well, missing family night, too many servings of Froot Loops for breakfast and not enough oatmeal, one trip to the temple with Jeff in three years, etc. etc. I am so hard on myself sometimes that I am not sure what kind of unbiased opinion an outside reviewer would grant.

Seems like parenting is the most important job I will ever do, but where is a standard to measure how well I am doing? There is no one watching over my shoulder to tell me if I am going in the right direction. I am just hoping that the kids grow up and remember how much I love them and how hard I tried. I know I make plenty of mistakes but I hope that is not what they remember. I am excited to know how they will turn out and what they will remember about their mother and I am panicked.