Gentle

I had a strange experience last Thursday that I attribute to having a little girl that resembles me. I don't see the resemblance very often because most the time I think Nicky looks like her daddy or has her own looks. On Thursday Nicky was at gymnastics. She was wearing her pink and black leotard that comes down mid thigh. The leotard's shape isn't the most flattering on my girl because she is slightly bigger than the rest of the girls and still has some baby rolls on her thighs. Nicky is not instructor Diane's future Olympian in the class. She is awesome at following directions but has trouble rolling her body from the head to the toes on the somersault. She usually ends up landing to the side instead of in a straight line.

Watching Nicky with her body type and athletic aptitude on Thursday was like traveling through time and watching myself. I remembered my awkwardness in ballet, my lack of flexibility, my tendency for injury and accidents, and how my sisters were always the cheerleaders and dancers. I remembered the 4th grade production of The Wizard of Oz. I was cast in a dance ensemble but was removed and sent to the chorus because I couldn't do a cartwheel. I remember the years stretching from elementary school to junior high where I was chosen last for teams and yelled out for missing the ball and losing the game point in volleyball. Of course in high school the popular girls were the cheerleaders, drill team members, and basketball stars.

Of course the message to myself was since I wasn't athletic like others, I wasn't as good, worthy, and lovable. All these years later intellectually I know the message wasn't true, but the powerful feelings of inadequacy never quite died. I think all those years of not measuring up in different ways gave birth to my critical inner voice. You'd think I'd have grown out of my insecurities but my inner critic still exists. For example, last night I ate three chocolate cookies and I actually heard my critic say, "you are so gross." Seriously? Did I really say that to myself? Would I ever even say that to my worst enemy?

Watching Nicky was healing. Here is she is three years old and having the time of her life being the worst student in the class. She never looks to the sides to compare herself with how the other girls are doing. She giggles when she doesn't quite make her somersaults and runs on to the next activity. Of course she is my daughter so I don't care how athletic she is as long as she is having fun. She runs around the obstacle course and doesn't even know she is carrying my heart outside my body right around with her. I could never tell her she is gross or unworthy of love because she can't complete her half cartwheels and somersaults. Obviously she was born with talents for some things and not others. Could I be unhappy with her for being born a certain way? We are of the same mold. So I thought, If I can love her so much without judging, why can't I love myself with the same fervor. It's something I need to work on.

Many, many years ago I turned 18. I attended relief society in my Lehi home ward for a couple months before heading off to college. I never felt like I fit in being so young and sitting with the mothers and older ladies. One day I had an experience I'll never forget. There was a mother in the ward with 6 or 7 little children. By this I mean they were all a year apart and they were all under eight. She was a homely woman with crooked teeth and disheveled hair. I don't normally remember others' looks but I remember her because one day in relief society she sang and her voice was everything her looks were not. She sang Michael McLaine's "Gentle." Her voice was an alto and the music flowed out of her as if she were an angel. She didn't just sing the words beautifully but she seemed to really feel them and made me feel them. I'd never been so struck by the honesty and message of a song. Watching Nicky reminded me of that song and how it is not only important for me to love and accept Nicky, but to do the same for myself.

Like a gentle wind can blow the clouds from the sky,

Like a gentle touch can ease the pain of goodbye,

Like a gentle smile embraces empty souls in lonely places,

We should be more gentle with ourselves.

Like the friend who gently builds us up when we’re down,

Like a gentle kiss can turn our world all around,

We’ve been hurt by others often, we’ve forgiven and forgotten,

We should be as gentle with ourselves.

Life can hard, but we need not be so hard on ourselves,

if we will see…
Like the shepherd leads his flock with gentle commands.

With his gentle voice that only hearts understand.

One thing we can know for certain,

He has borne the awful burdens

So we can be gentle with ourselves.
One thing that I know for certain,

He will bear my every burden

So I can be gentle with myself.