I had a root canal today. I didn’t know what they were before today but I was familiar with the procedure’s name because you used to have root canals all the time. How could I forget your punctured sinus and your root canal-induced deafness in one ear? It’s weird how simple things bring you to my mind so poignantly. I think I’m adjusting and doing just fine without you, and then there you are again in my thoughts while I sit tilted in the dentist’s chair. Maybe I thought of you because the procedure was intense and I was feeling vulnerable because I am pregnant. While I was being worked on with what felt and smelt like a balloon over my tongue (the rubber dam), I went back in time to when I was 18 and I got my impacted wisdom teeth taken out. You were there to drive me home after the procedure. We stopped at the Edgemont Pharmacy and you bought my pain medicine and some popsicles for me. You got the ice ready when we got home and got me comfortable. You had your weaknesses but one of your strengths was caring for me when I was sick. It brought out a beautiful, angelic side to you. In the moments when I am sick or in pain, I remember you and pine for you most. I don’t remember the bad things as much as the memories of you running about getting my ice cream with bananas on top or renting and watching with me an old funny Doris Day movie.
When the dentist finished up today he said, “that was quite a workout. That tooth had really long roots!”
“Oh,” I said (still thinking of you), “did it have curly roots too? My mom’s roots were long and curvy and always gave her dentist a hard time during root canals.”
“No,” he said as he hurried off to his next patient. The dentist was busy and didn’t have time to chat about your teeth or my memories.
As I got in the car and tried to look in the rearview mirror at the red swollen gum beneath the drilled up tooth, I caught site of my face and remembered that I’m going to be 33 this week. My tanned face is showing more and more brown freckles and fine wrinkles. I’m old enough to be without a mother. Why is it that sometimes I feel like your little girl? I don’t feel ready for you not to be around, especially when pain and sickness come around. If this is something every child has to experience, why can’t it be easier?
If I could call you today, I would tell you how much I love you and miss you. But since I can’t, I wrote you a note on my blog hoping someday it might reach you.
Love your daughter.
5 comments:
I am having a hard time seeing through the tears. I have so many of the same thoughts. Just when I think I am okay, some small little thing happens, and all the memories come back. The worst birthday I ever celebrated was my 30th. It had nothing to do with the number, it was the first birthday my mom wasn't with me to celebrate - I think of it every year. My mom has been there for the births of both of my children, it breaks my heart that she won't be there for the third (shhh don't tell)- it will be a bitter sweet moment.
Have a great week and a great birthday, I will be thinking of you while we are having our pirate party :)
oh missy, that was so sweet, i am so sorry for the hardships all of you have gone through with the parents...at least we have eachother!
Such sweet memories.
What a beautiful post Melissa. I love how you are able to convey such emotions in your writing.
tears are dripping down my face. I hope your root canal is feeling better.
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