0.5 mg Clonazepam

After we left Dad's, our next destination was Grandma Dee's rest home. You can see why I save these visit gems for the last day I'm in Utah. Andy fell asleep in his car seat and Nicky was very emphatic about seeing Grandma Dee. I reminded her that Grandma was very sick and not to expect talking or interaction. I secretly hoped we wouldn't be scaring her for life by taking her in.

The nurse at the front desk explained that my mom's pacing had gotten bad and she was trying to tear things off the walls. They decided she was a danger to herself and others and she is now given a daily dose of Klonipen (Clonazepam 0.5 mg). It's a sedative. The nurse said that my mom gets weekly doctor checkups and her lab results are sterling. She exclaimed that, "Other than her brain, she's healthier than I am."

Jeff, Nicky, and I (along with sleeping Andy in his stroller) walked the halls looking in bedrooms for the sight of Mom's dark brown hair and empty eyes. We found her sitting on a chair next to an old lady in bed in the last room. She had her hand over her bent head.

Jeff called her name but she didn't move. I could see her eyes were open under her hand. I told her I came to give her hug and I followed through. She's so tiny but she didn't smell bad or anything and it felt nice to give her hug. I told her how much I loved her and missed her and then pulled back to look at her again. She didn't lift her hand but I noticed one small tear rolling down from beneath the hand and down her cheek. We told her goodbye but she didn't seem to notice.

While I was giving Mom the hug, Nicky was very anxious and couldn't decide whether to stay in the room or join Andy in the hall. When we got to the car she said that, "Grandma Dee was like a different person because her hair was brown instead of blond." I got what she meant.

Yesterday for family night, I pulled out a picture of Jesus and Mary in front of the tomb. I told her about the resurrection and how much that event means to me now that we are separated from Grandma Dee. I told her that I know that one day my mom will say my name again just as Jesus called to Mary. It's interesting how important the resurrection becomes to me now that I am separated forever from my mother. A man in our ward spoke in church yesterday about how his dad just died of cancer. He quoted one of the general authorities as saying that our separations must be painful here in life so that they can be that much sweeter in the next. I hope it will be so very much.