Miss Universe with Kashi on Top

Jeff left the house to make a phone call and came back later to find my roundness situated on the couch watching the Miss Universe pageant. There is something strangely relaxing about watching a bevy of starving starlets strut about the runway in tiny bikinis all whilst enjoying a yogurt with Kashi cereal on top, my body cushioned up in the coziness of the couch. There was an imaginary taunting taking place through the television. The Miss whoever tempestuously turned a corner and faced me through the screen showing me an ideal body, probably maintained by a celery diet and a doctor's scalpel. She did look lovely. All of them looked lovely and with some slight variation, they look surprisingly the same. There's the bony legs, the backs and stomachs that look as close together as the front and back of a paper sheet, the preternaturally voluptuous breasts, and wide lipsticked and glossed smiles. "We are what women should look like," they said with their confident eyes. The roving eyes of Donald Trump's perverted gaze seemed to whisper the same.

Still, I felt pretty good sitting in my living room fully clothed and eating something. I knew I'd go to bed secure in the knowing that a billion people hadn't seen and judged me in my underwear. If they'd look, I could taunt those beautiful women right back.

Seriously though, these pageants seem ridiculous. Didn't they used to at least have a talent competition? I miss a tap dance, a harp medley, or a shaky rendition of Whitney Houston's, "One Moment in Time." Now it seems all about the body and the strutting about in bikinis and costly diaphanous evening gowns all to the slutty music of Heidi Montag, Flo Rida, and the drugged looking Kelly Rowland. In attempt to disguise Donald Trump's true voyeuristic designs, the pageant's program gives the top five girls 30 seconds each at competition's end to prove their intelligence with a thoughtful answer to a judge's question.

18-year-old Stefania Fernandez from Venezuala, the eventual winner, was asked if she believed women had as many opportunities as men. She said she believes, "we have reached the level that men are at." When asked later how she thought beauty contests promoted equality between men and women, Fernandez said they provided exposure. "We have quite a following worldwide," she said. "We are models to follow."

Really? I don't see an equal competition with men in Speedos coming to prime time any time soon.

After Jeff and I finished watching the show (yes I dared watch a beauty pageant with my husband), I decided I would be disappointed if Nicky later took an interest to beauty pageants. Nothing that is truly beautiful about the girls is being shown. What is there to aspire to but looking better than someone else? And therein lies my biggest beef with the competition in general. In order for one girl to win, the rest have to lose and confusingly, they all looked equally as gorgeous to me. What a strange phenomenon is the modern beauty pageant!