How I Know I'm Old

I just turned 34 on Thursday and I feel old. I don't look much different than last year (other than I'm not huge and pregnant) and I don't feel different; yet, there is still evidence of oldness. Take for example the chosen activity for celebrating my birthday, the Sun Soak Waterpark. My sweet sister Kelly was in town all week and offered to babysit on my birthday so Jeff and I could go alone to the waterslide park. Outings to waterparks in the past six years have included sitting on the sidelines due to pregnancy, dangling my feet by the mini slides while I lifeguarded a toddler, or during my most recent attempt, sitting on the grass holding two kids with fevers while those without fevers enjoyed themselves. There's been no sliding down slides for me until Thursday.

Upon arrival at the park, I started to feel old as I observed fellow watersliders. Apparently sliding is a summer pastime for those 15-18. I felt cute in my red bandanna tankini until I noticed full coverage tankinis are out this summer and skimpy bikinis, taut bodies, and belly rings are in. Jeff never got the memo about wearing Hanes or Calvin Kleins tighty whities under very loose surf shorts either. So there we were the thirty somethings amongst the strutting, flirting teenagers. I was fine with it until I used some of the slides and realized they were engineered with teenage bodies in mind and not so much those slightly out-of-shape and in their 30s. Take for example, The Stealth. Jeff talked me into going on this death trap that drops a duo in a tube straight down 100 feet. "It's the funnest slide in the park," he says. So while I'm holding on to the tube for dear life so I don't fall out to my death, I somehow forgot to hold onto my head and received whiplash for all my trouble. Don't get me wrong, we had fun going on the slides that included toilet bowl swirl endings, drops, and end falls that simulated near drownings. However, I left the park with a bum rash, a bleeding knee, aforementioned strained neck, and serious dizziness. I'm not that young anymore.

Here is more evidence of being old or "set in the ways," my "chart." I started charts for Nicky and Andy again two weeks ago and life improved so much. There are habits I've been meaning to start or get rid of for myself for some time so I thought maybe there was something to this chart business. Changing habits seemed so easy for the kids. I made myself a chart and set it up next to the kids'. Certain items of business are easy, such as reading to the kids. Others are hard and the kids make sure to tell me when I haven't earned my sticker. I told someone to go upstairs RIGHT NOW in a firm tone and Nicky told me I lost my sticker for speaking nicely. Another item is not biting my fingernails. I've had this bad habit since I was two and it continues to escalate to the point where I pretty much maim my own fingers. The problem is the nails start growing within three days of being left alone. They grow up with ridges from the way they were clipped (with teeth) which leads me to picking to make straight and then to biting. Nicky caught me again on the couch and told me I lost my sticker for not biting my nails. I remembered my morning prayers but forgot my night which led to losing a sticker for prayer. Forget earning any sticker for the spot about eating healthy and within reasonable caloric amounts. Kindergarten is coming.

Finally, I was humbled to the dust when I had a fight with my sister the day before she was leaving. I realized Nicky and Andy have been working things out for weeks with each other to earn their sticker for "Happy Times Together." I sat down with Nicky and asked her what her tips were for resolving an argument. She says, "Mom, the problem is you are a grownup and we are kids. We just play with toys and when we fight over a toy, we just share it. Just say something nice to Kelly." I asked Andy what his advice was and he just gave me one of his silent confused looks and moved on with playing. You could almost read his mind. He thinks girls are crazy already. So I took Nicky's advice and, "talked nice" and voila the fight was resolved. Although I was later informed that I didn't earn my sticker for talking nice because I didn't talk nice to Kelly earlier.

So I'm old and old habits die hard. It's easier to be young when you want to waterslide or change yourself.