She Looks so Normal

Kelly and I thought it would be a good idea to meet up over the weekend in San Diego and have my mom fly out too. We both hadn’t seen her in a couple of months. Last time Mom came out here she did well. On a typical Mom journey, we have someone in Salt Lake take her directly to her gate at the airport and then Jeff or I pick her up at the gate when she arrives. It is the same procedure they use when a child travels.

It was not the happy weekend we anticipated. Mom is much further away now.
She is closer to Andy in terms of what she can do for herself and how well she can speak. There are a couple of funny/but not so funny moments. I saw she was going through my closet and then she pulled a couple of items out. There was a sweater she gave me a couple of years ago and a leather jacket that looks similar to something she has at home. She thought both of them were hers and had an accusing look in her eye like I had stolen them. So I let her put the jacket in her suitcase and when she went to the bathroom, I hung it back up in the coat closet.

On Sunday, with her limited vocabulary, she refused to go to church. Usually she is so easy going so I couldn’t figure out why she wouldn’t want to go. As I was getting her dressed she seemed more relaxed and I suddenly realized that she had thought we were going to make her go to church wearing her polka dot pajamas.

All through the weekend there was showing of my mom to the bathroom, showering her, blow drying her hair, helping her out of bed, brushing her teeth, etc. etc. One of the worst things is that she appears so normal and young that it makes it so much more frustrating that she is basically a baby in terms of what she can do for herself.

When she left yesterday I felt a mixture of terrible emotions. On the one hand I was sad she was leaving and on the other hand relieved (but terribly guilty to be so). This care giving for a mother is draining emotionally, frustrating, and sad and I only did it for three days. But I feel so guilty that I can’t do more as I know that she spent much of her life caring for me. I see that guilt is a big part of having a parent with Alzheimer’s.

It is all just so strange and horrifying. I look back and I remember how I used to view Alzheimer’s. I’m sure I had empathy and knew it was tragic. However, it is so eye opening now to have it in my family. I realize it is one thing to feel sad about someone’s situation and quite another to live through it. This whole experience makes me feel so humble towards other people’s trials and losses. I am sure they are so much harder on the inside and I see the only way to teach me that is to have experiences of my own that are not so nice.