A Not Nice Event

I think my neighbor Janet killed herself on Sunday. I say think because nobody knows for sure. Popular opinion amongst the neighbors seems to lean in the suicide direction given that:

• she was only 47
• her long time live in boyfriend left her for another woman a couple months ago
• her beloved German Shepherd, Rommel had been eating up her furniture and she was on the verge of having to part with him
• she was depressed

I was not aware of the last bullet point. We were not close friends. She was just a woman that lived across from the pool. She'd gotten to know Jeff as a member with him on the HOA board. When I'd run into her walking her dog I'd talk to her as Nicky and Andy petted and played with Rommel. I saw her last Wednesday walking Rommel. I have to say I wished we'd chatted about more important matters like why she'd want to do away with herself rather than the life cycle of bees and global warming. Jeff and I wish a lot of things. Couldn't we just rewind a few days and invite a lonely lady over for dinner? Could I have done something kind to make her life brighter? Had I known that horrible plans were brewing in her mind last Wednesday, I know I would have done something. But there is no going back.

Jeff was out of town last night and I thought it was trash night. It wasn't. I went out into the night to grab the trash can. The night was heavy with mist and fog and quiet as a graveyard. It's sad looking at her place anyway but coupled with the creepy setting, I was suddenly very afraid of her ghost. What if she chose to haunt me because I could have done something to help and I didn't? I got myself very afraid. I ran inside and got in bed and shivered watching shadows pass by the window. What a bad night to be alone. Here is the text message I sent Jeff while I was hiding under my covers:

"I'm laying in bed and a little afraid of janet's ghost. A little scared. Wish you were here."

Silly I know. It is almost funny but yet it isn't. I almost got up and put Nicky in my bed so I wouldn't be alone. Jeff texted back and said I was being ridiculous. Janet was nice and wouldn't haunt me. Then from upstairs, the slutty neighbor's bed started rocking and at least it wasn't so quiet anymore.

I feel really bad. I'm going to take this as a lesson and be kinder to everyone even if they seem ok. You could be shooting the breeze with someone you know one day and then hearing that they ended it for themselves the next. A horribly depressed person can certainly put up a good front. Hopefully we'll find out it was an aneurysm or heart attack and I won't feel as guilty. But somehow it seems unlikely.