Long Day of Guilt

Before I head into my guilt-ridden day, I thought I'd post some pictures. We've been attempting to settle ourselves and get furniture, etc. but it takes time. For the last few weeks, this is the sight I've seen most:

The downstairs is all tile and so without furniture it echoes. So the kids run crazy, fight, etc. all with lovely sound effects that drive me out of my mind.

The back yard was all dead when we got here so Jeff's dad has been coming up on weekends to help get the new lawn put in. The kids love the dirt and their backyard as you can see. That's the Scooby Doo Gang there in the dirt pile if you couldn't guess. I have two sets now because the kids fought so much over the one set (there's only five in the gang so it's impossible to divide them fairly). Now there is fighting because Andy wants two Velmas instead of one. I can never win.

Andy finally got to leave his crib and transferred to a full bed. He LOVES it but looks so small in it. I don't want him to ever grow big enough to look right in it.

Now to my guilt. I was having the perfect pregnancy: no previa, no low fluid, plenty of kicking, no complications whatsoever. When suddenly I went for an ultrasound yesterday and my amniotic fluid level is down to 6 (if it gets to 5 or below they deliver the baby). Nicky was a full term baby but Andy was delivered at 34 weeks because he had no more amniotic fluid. There is no good reason for it and I thought it was something random. Now it is happening again. 34 weeks is on the bigger end for being a pre-term baby but it still means a premature baby. I never got to hold Andy or nurse him for long after he was born. Instead he was in the NICU with what looked like a Star Wars airfighter mask on. He wouldn't eat without falling asleep and other such fun things. Worst of all he looked so scrawny with his chicken bone legs. I felt guilty that I had him early even though it wasn't my fault.

If it happens again, I can only pray that things work out as well as they did for Andy. He is fine now. I also have experience with this so it is not as bad as having it happen the first time. I just feel sad because there was no warning. They've been checking my fluid levels every two weeks and everything was fine. It makes me feel so guilty for doing this to the little guy in there who is just trying to grow. I also had many thoughts of having a normal pregnancy this time. I was so satisfied thinking about how he would be full term and he would snuggle with me there in the hospital as long as I wanted and I could nurse him right away without having to milk myself on the dang breast pump for six weeks.

If that is the worse that happens though, I will be thankful. Who knows, maybe I will go in tomorrow and the levels will go back up. As sad as I am, I am so glad there are ultrasounds and doctors that can find out these things. I wouldn't have Andy without intervention.

I guess it's just not nice to worry and not know how things will turn out. I also have two other kids hanging around that need a lot of attention. I'm feeling real guilty about them. I was going to sign Nicky up for preschool this week and that won't be happening. Andy's birthday is on Saturday with a party planned. He wants a spider man cake that I won't be making. Jeff is getting behind on work. We are in a new place with no friends. I do have some acquaintances to call on for babysitting, so I am grateful for that. I'm just going to have to adjust from a normal pregnancy to a higher risk, try to keep my worry down and hope to not continue with the guilt. I just have too much time on my hands with the doctor ordered, "frequent rests." I really don't want to be so self obsessed. These days where I have to check fetal kick counts on my own are just nerve wracking. I don't want anyone dying in utero there.