A Good Day

Today was the first fully good day I've had for months. In the last four months since my dad died I've existed in gloom. Normally I cry when I'm unhappy but the death conjured up a deep pain that expressed itself in a pissy mood. I can't count how many nights I've overheard myself whimpering in the head about no free time, fighting kids, disobedient kids, dirty house, etc. etc. Maybe it's all justified because someone died, but I felt I owed my whole family an apology. I apologized to Jeff for being snappy about stupid things. Then I sat down and apologized to Nicky and Andy for the yelling that's sadly become more frequent. I promised them I wouldn't yell and that now I was just going to quietly remove toys or place them in timeout.

Next I placed myself on a schedule. I figured if routines are good for kids, they must be good for me. No more eating whatever, going to bed whenever, and getting up whenever for me. It is to bed with me at 10:30 and up at 5. I am also eating within conscious calorie limitations.

My word! Those slow, peaceful hours between 5 and 7 in the dark morning are miraculous! Spoiled in quietness, I go to the gym, shower, and pick up the house in leisure. When the kids wake up, I am happy and awake instead of groggy and depressed.

I have all this energy too. It helps with patience and getting housework done. I'm happy to report I've not yelled in days and strangely the kids are acting like angels. Perhaps I was the problem. I've been relieved from that guilt I got on those days when the kids were finally asleep and I remembered what a real bitch I was with them. Today I enjoyed them guilt free at Chucky Cheese. I watched as they played bears and bear cubs with their dolls in those mangy, colorful ceiling tunnels. I smiled at my sweet baby sucking his green binky in the bed of the Costco cart. I smiled as Andy fell asleep on Nicky's lap in the front part of the Costco cart. I am so glad to be their mom and I could feel that happiness all day for the first time in months.

In other good news, my San Diego friend wrote me. I should have given myself a few extra hours before I panicked. She says she's not offended and everything is normal. Hooray. Giving out the Book of Mormon is not so scary after all.

And finally, things are right for Nicky for the first time in days. She left her three favorite dolls at Grandma's over the weekend. She hasn't slept much without them. Grandpa mailed them and Emily, Pinkarina Flower, and Andy arrived today. She was so sad they didn't come yesterday that we added a new baby to her family; she named her Rosy. She's wearing the flower dress. Pinkarina Flower is the one wearing Nicky's designer paper skirt complete with super baby cape.