What's Wrong with My Picture?

Yesterday, I glimpsed at the cover of the new April Ensign and I felt sad. My initial reaction was one of longing for President Hinckley and a little anger with President Monson and the others on the cover for smiling and moving forward in their duties so quickly. My next reaction was to ask myself why I had such a strong reaction to a situation that is a normal changing of the guard in our church. President Hinckley is probably relieved to have a break on the other side and here I am in want of another memorial service for him or at least dour looks on the faces of the new First Presidency. My answer to myself was what it usually is when I have a funny reaction like this. I felt like the memory of President Hinckley was being abandoned. I’m a little nutty.

I can trace my nuttiness right on back to my parents and their divorce. The divorce is almost 14 years ago and most of the psychological fallout has been dealt with on my part. I also offer nothing but compassion and forgiveness to both my Mom and Dad. Divorce is so common nowadays no one really blinks an eyelash when I tell them my parents were divorced. No one even faints or falls down dead when they hear my dad has been married six or so times (as I would have done if I had known that was how it was going to be). I find it funny that something so sad is so common. I feel like I am ok with this divorce now for the most part. But I still blame it on that divorce when my emotions quickly flare up in a situation where I feel like myself or someone I care about is being abandoned. Can I blame this on the divorce or do other people have this problem too? It took me the entire first year of my marriage to realize that is was ok to have an argument and that it wasn’t time to call a lawyer and divvy up the goods after a fight. So although all of that is clear now, I still have sadness for the loss of my parent’s marriage. It taints my reality so that I don’t always see situations clearly. I anticipate abandonment and loss on a primal level. I feel sad about this and often wonder if I would be more whole had none of it happened. Jeff says I blame a lot of my negative feelings on having divorced parents and that I would probably have those feelings anyway just being human. Sometimes I just want to catch a glimpse of myself without the tragedy and the damage to my psyche. How would it feel to never have the unexpected tragedy catch any of us unawares?

I know that trial and tragedy is part of life so maybe the accompanying scars and nuttiness left behind is the normal. Maybe we would all be uncompassionate sissies if nothing bad ever happened. I’m just glad for the part of my brain that can question my initial emotional thought processes. I read President Monson’s talk in the Ensign and cried because it was so beautiful and sweet. I love his stories and poems and I love the gentle feeling that surrounds him. I love the fact that when Heavenly Father takes a prophet home to him, he left a procedure in place that guarantees someone else wonderful will take the departed one's place. I also love the second chances in life. The fires in October scorched a lot of the hills by our house black. After it rained last month beautiful flowers and green grass grew over the scars left behind by the fire. I couldn’t help but see the symbolism. I feel that my marriage and family are the springtime and my second chance to make for my children what my parents couldn’t make last for me. I see that beautiful things can grow over scars. So now you all know I am nutty. I hope you will still like me anyway.