Finally Comforted on Death

I don't know why but I think about my death a lot. It started after I had my babies and I realized how in control I need to be. My questions after I were to die would be: Who would love my kids as much as me? Would some other woman be able to teach these precious people how I want them taught? No offense to Jeff but would he remember to feed them? It is scary to think about the fragility of one's own existence. The separation from my family, to me, was the most traumatic thought I've ever had. I felt this way until my visit to Nauvoo over the weekend.

Nicky poses in the Smith Family Cemetery with the Mississippi River behind

Nauvoo, the city, sits right next to the Mississippi River. I must not have remembered this because I was very surprised. Nauvoo means "beautiful city" and the city lives up to its name. Deep green grass and trees abound even in hot August. The Mississippi sits as a reflective neighbor to the greenery and lends its peaceful ebb to the quiet sites of Mormon history. A thickness of memory and history fills the air and makes a sacred feeling almost as if one was visiting a cemetery. Since Nauvoo is filled mostly with church history sites, the pace amongst the visitors is slow and reflective. Because the city is breathtakingly beautiful, it is easy to feel traumatized for those early Mormons who were forced to flee over the frozen Mississippi and on to Utah, a true desert in comparison.

Eating Snow Cones as a Team at the Nauvoo Pageant

Of course the structure that takes one's breath away is hands down the white, magnificent temple sitting on the hill overlooking the sites and Mississippi below. Every time I caught a glimpse, I choked up remembering that the original was a victim to arson and a tornado. Sunday morning, the sun poured down on the re-created temple and it looked and felt to me to be a symbol of hope. Though its prior twin was destroyed and the builders forced to leave, there it stands again as beautiful as it might have been 160 years ago.

Our Family at the Nauvoo Temple

Our final journey of the trip was the 25 mile drive from Nauvoo to Carthage, IL. Here the jail still stands where Joseph Smith and his brother were murdered in June 1844. The tour included a touching film on what those who knew Joseph Smith thought of him. When the film ended a sister missionary led us through the jail. The final room we visited was the bedroom where the death of Joseph and his brother took place. As we sat there and heard about the final moments of the Prophet and his group, I expected to feel trauma. But I didn't. The pervading feeling was that this room wasn't the place where things ended for Joseph Smith, a man I truly love as if I had known him in person. I felt that there is a life after death and that those who pass on don't go very far. It hit me that this is one of the most important, beautiful, and true teachings in our church; that we have a life after our death and we will live with our families and friends long after this life is done. Since my visit, I have felt a great comfort and a testimony for myself that this life is not it. It is one thing to be told that all my life, and one thing quite another to feel and believe it for myself.

Though it would be sad if I died and some other woman would probably mess my kids up more than I would, it doesn't seem to worry me anymore. I saw the perspective of life being short and going on later so maybe the screwing up of my kids could be corrected in the forever that is to come. For that matter, maybe a lot of the screwing up of all us can be corrected in the later on. The Nauvoo Temple is built again after hundreds of years and it is a symbol that anything can be rebuilt.

Finally, there was a beautiful Joseph Smith quote outside the jail engraven on marble. I want to write it here. It resonated with me so much because I want to be one that is able to convey truth to others.

"I never feel to force my doctrine upon any person; I rejoice to see prejudice give way to truth, and the traditions of man dispersed by the pure principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

Our family in front of Carthage Jail (I can't give a good reason as to why we are smiling under the window where Joseph fell to his death other than it must just be habit to smile)


P.S. I will post more pictures of Nauvoo's beauty when I get home. We flew to Grandma's for the week.