There are weapons of war of all kinds in this world. Some are more destructive and deadly than others. I think I'd like to go ahead and rate the silent treatment right up there with the atomic bomb in terms of the damage it does to friendships. Luckily, I've been the recipient of the treatment only a handful of times. Of course there were the fights over pencil tip erasers/characters or a misunderstanding in a passed note that would turn a best elementary school friend to use the dreaded treatment against me at recess. During these times, I'd have to give myself a nice pinch to make sure I really existed because some of the little girls were very good at making me feel like I didn't.
I didn't meet this psychological weapon of war again until I had to quit my job after maternity leave. I'd had the misfortune of starting a new job in California at the same time I found out I was pregnant. For insurance purposes, I couldn't let on that I wouldn't be remaining with the company after the baby was born. After giving my two weeks notice, my boss was so fired up at my betrayal that she couldn't say a word. I wrote apology e-mails and tried to explain but received nothing to even acknowledge my efforts in my inbox. When she'd see me in the hall, she'd duck into an office to avoid making eye contact. On my last day of work, she gave me an ice cold professional hand shake and my last check and walked away. This experience haunted me for months. This was a woman I'd admired and liked. She had given me the most beautiful baby shower I'd ever been too. I hadn't meant to betray her on a personal level, I simply had to have my insurance benefits.
What is the silent treatment supposed to accomplish? Is its employer trying to make a point that my actions were so hideous that no words in the human language can express? Is the perpetrator trying to say that I'm not worth their breath? Is the silent friend afraid of the murderous rage that might engulf them if they attempted to verbalize their disappointment, anger, frustration, etc.? It certainly leaves me feeling empty and horrible because I always want the opportunity to communicate, express apologies, and mend wounds. The silent treatment leaves room for nothing but quiet chasms and lost friendship.
Understandably these past experiences made me mortally afraid of the silent treatment. Sadly, in the last week it has been used once more. Here's the story.
Last Friday morning, Nicky threw up three times in a rather quick succession. Most of it was water. Afterwards I gave her Pedialite and got ready to hunker down for the day with the handy big blue mop bucket sitting near. Surprisingly around 10 a.m. she asked for something to eat. She wanted a cheese quesadilla. I gave it to her because it was sad to hear her cry for food. After eating, she didn't throw up like I expected but just regained her energy and continued to eat normally. By 4 o'clock I was getting tired of being in the house and Nicky had no signs of vomiting, fever, lack of energy, aches or pains, nothing. I chalked up the vomiting spell to food poisoning or her choking on her drink of water. I walked out of the house to go to the park and saw my good neighbor friend, Monica outside playing with her kids. For a brief nanosecond I thought maybe it wouldn't be a good idea for the kids to play together but then decided that Nicky really wasn't sick. I was mostly excited to see Monica because it had been a lonely day and I hadn't seen her since before Christmas. Was it the wrong thing to do? Probably. Some people are more afraid of sicknesses than others and appreciate a warning, especially when vomiting is involved. Wrong or no, I made the decision to keep quiet because I'd decided Nicky didn't act sick and therefore she wasn't.
The next day, Saturday, was Monica's daughter Kayla's birthday party. Nicky went and had a great time. On Sunday night, I received an e-mail addressed to me and all the other party guests to warn us that Kayla had been throwing up that night. There was also an apology that Kayla may have exposed the party goers to the flu. I had forgotten about Nicky's vomiting episodes until I got that e-mail and I felt awful. Andy had not contracted anything making me pretty sure it was just a coincidence. Andy has never failed to get everything contagious from Nicky and it just doesn't make sense that Andy would not get a contagious stomach flu and Kayla would. However, I quickly sent an e-mail and made known what had happened with Nicky on Friday and apologized for not being more considerate. Monica, after all, does have an eight month old baby and throwing up can be so much harder to deal with in babies. I really did feel bad. I mean, Nicky could very well have passed something on.
My e-mail was met with...silence.
The next day I called and left a message inquiring after Kayla. The call was not returned.
The next day another e-mail...silence.
I made a final phone call yesterday expressing how much I value Monica's friendship and how sorry I was for not being more considerate. I normally am so very good about keeping my kids quarantined when they are sick.
The call was not returned.
This leaves me in a very sad place. This wasn't just a casual friend. Monica and I got together at least a few times a week and I really enjoyed her company. We've invited them and participated in countless activities together. Nicky really loved playing with Kayla. I feel bad that by my actions, she has also lost a friend.
I have to hope everyone in Monica's family is ok and nobody died of the flu. That would at least be a relief to know. I feel like I've reached my calling and e-mailing quota and don't want to be considered an apologetic stalker. Really, this is a sad situation. Am I missing something? I had no idea that giving the flu sort of accidentally was grounds for friendship termination. Maybe it is. But does she have to use the blasted silent treatment? It's the worst. SAD!
9 comments:
If you want my opinion, your friend is acting a little silly. Yes, you should have maybe been more careful, but kids can get sick just going to the grocery store. The flu is not fun to deal with, but kids get over it and life goes on. It is not like you exposed her daughter a life threatening disease. Anyway, I would just give her some time to cool off. If she is a real friend, she will come around. Good luck
P.S. I hope I wasn't one of those rude childhood friend :)
Wow. That sounds like a really over the top response from your friend. I mean, really, kids get sick. Good luck. You've been overly apologetic about it - way more than I would ever bother to do. Hopefully she'll move on soon.
Wow. That is silly. I wouldn't have owned up to it if I were you--I figure once one kid has it, all kids get it. I keep them away as much as I can, but give me a break. She really could have gotten it anywhere. She needs to get over this thing and not lose a friend over it. It's only a couple days of throwing up. Very silly.
Jeralyn,
I don't remember you ever giving me the S/T. Remember Korinne Murphy and Andrea Greenwood? They gave it too me good for a week in 6th grade.
Cami,
I made some Facebook status comment on Friday morning indicating I was removing barf from the carpet. I was sure she'd see it. Otherwise, I would have been as silent as the grave about my involvement.
I understand about your friend being a little upset about her kids being exposed and getting sick but I do think it is pretty ridiculous for the silent treatment when you are saying sorry. She will hopefully get over it. I have never gotten a sorry from a anyone that knowingly got my child sick when I even have to miss work many days for it. Yes, children can get sick anywhere but why expose on purpose? Most parents just don't understand. I guess I am paranoid because I just can't miss that much work when she and then I get sick. Not to mention dealing with vomit is not my friend! I am very impressed that you owned up to it and learned from exposing your friend though even if she got it from somewhere else. If only all people would be so considerate.
Yeah, I did this once before when a cousin came over. Their family got sicker than we did and I felt like a heel. We all learn from our mistakes, but also, to comfort you a little, most people have been exposed to sick germs 24-48 hours before they even exhibit signs of illness.
Sounds like someone is acting a little childish. Some people take things to such extreme and you have done what you can by apologizing.
I've been through a similar situation and after over a year of trying to make this person forgive me (and i didn't even get any other dogs sick!) I realized that I can't control someone elses behavior. I had to let my friend go and sad as it was - I have to realize that I can't make everyone like me!
This is sad Melissa and I can understand where you are coming from. I too have been experiencing this same thing to a degree from a good friend and neighbour because we had a Yes on Prop 8 sign in our yard. It makes me sad and still gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I hope your friend will come around just as I keep praying my friend will come around.
ok, so my sister and I were in a ward once where nobody would talk to us, nobody. I remember she turned to the chalkboard behind us during sunday school and wrote, "do we exist?" We thought we were pretty funny. Of course, nobody acknowledged it.
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